Now that I am being more honest with myself about my care-taking compulsion, I have come to 2 possible coping mechanisms when it comes to changing my attitude toward chores.
1. I can recognize that I do in fact like cleaning to some degree, and appreciate how the process helps my creative process.
2. On the other hand, I can just decide to let things be, without pushing for a timeline. Triage for chores. What is essential, easy, or worth doing first? What can wait? Do I really need help or am I being bitchy?
I am prone to being very reactive. Lately I have felt the need to stand up for myself more than ever, yet I fear i have gone a little overboard. Too extreme. I need more balance. The ability to pause and evaluate the correct course of action. Is it worth moving forward? What are the ramifications if I react in a certain way? Deep breaths. I don’t have to yell back, raise my voice. How to a maintain my edge without being a cunt? How do I trust and protect myself? How can I be strong and kind? Motivational and supporting and understanding? How can I be tough? Chaos? Order? Right? Wrong? Survival? Thriving? Evolving!
I swing, back and forth between extremes. Like a pendulum, making wider and wider trips across an endless chasm of clip shows. Slices of time falling away faster every minute.
I feel everything, I feel nothing. Everything, nothing. Everything, nothing. Every. thing.
I have many masks. My costume changes seem to multiply daily, yet underneath it all, the foundation feels stronger than ever before. Something is happening. Something is stirring. The serpent stirs.
So what does it all mean? What do we do where to we go? It means what we know it means. We go inside. We dig in deep. We ask hard questions and live out answers. We love. We laugh. we cry. We dance. We find each other and we make things better than how we found them. We go inside, to come back out and find each other.